I mean it this time....

I've struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. It always seems to get the best of me. Weight issues tend to stem from a greater, deeper struggle that manifests itself in an armor of fat to protect against feelings, fears, reality... I know my issues. I have used my weight to make my subconscious match my outward appearance. Feeling a sense of disgust and unworthiness conflicted with the reflection I saw in the mirror. So eating and distorting my body closed the disconnect.

I used my appearance to keep people from getting to close... including myself. If no one gets close enough to love me...there are no chances of being hurt. Somehow my husband broke through. I allowed him to love me. Receiving love from him has tought me how to accept myself. I accept that lovng me is possible. Now I want to learn to not just accept myself but to love myself. Now I want my outside to look like I feel on the inside. Chris makes me feel beautiful. My weight is now a contradiction to that. So its time to shed it.

I am finally ready to loose weight for good. I want to really enjoy my life with the man I love. I have gottent to the point that I merely exist. I am 33 years old but my body feels much older. I hurt. My feet ache at the end of the day...actually at the beginning of it too. My back hurts. I can't cross my legs and tying my shoes is becoming difficult. I am much too young to have these problems. I can't continue on this path. I deserve the life I've always wanted. The only missing piece is having a body that is healthy and loving it.

I have started the weught watcher program. I was successful on it before and have every confidence that I will be again. I feel excited that I am starting this journey again. I am hoping my husband will join me too. His health worries me more than my own.

I have decided to keep my goals small and manageable and set no time tables. I don't want to limit myself by saying I have to lose X number of pounds by Christmas or new years....I just want to change my body. However long it takes. My main goal is to create a unity between body and mind.

I have an excitement and motivation that I haven't had in a long time. I pray God walks beside me while I do this. I need His strength. I pray for continued determination and a strong will to stay the course. This is going to be a long process. I pray for willingness to see it through.