Just for me

this blog is just for me... there are things I need to say and not have heard by anyone in particular but that if left unsaid will continue to eat away at me until there's nothing left. I need for everything I say to be true and authentic and understood. Since at this point in time I feel like there are very few people who want to hear what I feel or understand that there is more behind the smile than meets the eye... this blog is my way to not lose my mind.

I have a husband who loves me.. who I never saw coming...who i cherish ...who i wish I cherished more. He loves me, I have no doubt. I wish i could be more present in his love. I feel like he doesn't want to acknowledge the reality in life. I feel the weight of the world a lot and I need my husband to just understand that and attempt to lighten my load.... that may mean nothing more than to just be worried when I'm worried or sit by me when I pay the bills or be quiet when I say I feel fat.

I have a job that barely pays the bills and if it weren't for the hours... I wouldn't do at all. I became a nurse 6 years ago. I felt then that comforting the sick and their families is a form of ministry that I had a gift to do well. I served those who were dying and comforted the scared families. I dealt with humanity in its most raw form and did so most days without acknowledgement. I in no way expect thanks or praise for the work I did but I also didn't expect to be treated the way I was. I treated people with respect and dignity and honor to be met with a sense of forceful obligation and deservedness that made me bitter toward my patients and a little bit toward humanity. If I've learned one lesson as a nurse it is that survival of the fittest wins all. There is no community among people. Every man, woman and child must fend for themselves or die! (excuse the drama... but it is true). People will lie cheat and steal to get what they feel is owed to them. I have lost my passion for being a nurse but I can't imagine what else I would do with myself.

I don't feel pretty. I want to feel pretty . My husband of course doesn't want to hear this as he feels it is so far from the truth. But the truth is that I am so overweight now that I hate what I have become. I have let demons from my past creep up into my subconscious and take over how I feel... thus the way I look. I have no one to blame but myself for the negative transformation my body has taken. I want to run. I want to be healthy. Being thin is a dream. I want glowing skin and flowing hair. I can't seem to manage the stress in my life so I eat but I can't remember eating. I know Chris and I eat the wrong things...i.e fast food but I don't binge or anything that drastic. But obviously I have eaten too much at some point culminating in about 30 extra pounds. ( to give myself some credit... I have lost 14 of those pounds). I fear exercise. I fear looking and feeling foolish. Most of all I fear failure so much that it stops me in my tracks. This fear creates excuses and I believe them.

I have lost all courage I once had. I don't have the courage to face the unknown. I don't have the courage to say no, to say yes. I don't have the courage to take time for myself. I have become one of those women who lose themselves in the grind of everyday and the demands of everyone else. I know the answer is to make myself a priorty. I have to take time for myself... to do the things I want to do. When i get myself alone... I don't know where to start... what to do. I want to take up photography. I criticize myself for not being creative enough so I quit. I want to be a runner but I quit trying when it hurts too bad or I feel like someone will laugh at me. Where do I find my self confidence again?

This past year of my life has completely stripped me of life. I have enountered almost every majro life change you can imagine and it was nearly more than I could handle. I tried to take on so much and forgot to lean on my Rock.. My God for support and have been utterly shaken. I'm trying to find my way back to my feet and back to my Lord. I have forgottent o turn to Him first and holdfast to Him when its rough sailing. I don't know why its such a hard lesson to learn and why that lesson won't stick. My faith has been shaken and looking back God carried me through it all. I somehow let myself forget that I've made it through... and will make it still. I owe my deepset apolgies to God for doubting and worrying and continuing to worry when somewhere deep down in the core of who I am I know I/we will be fine.

I pray to my God and Saviour to restore my heart to its' untarnished state. To help me see people as You see them Lord. Help me to love me so that I can receive the love offered to me from those around me especially Chris. I pray that you will strengthen him into the man of God you want him to be. Open his eyes to the state of our health and light a fire of change in him to become healthy and honor the body you have given him to be your temple! God give me courage to do the same thing. I want to live the healthiest life possible. I want to become a Godly wife and mother. Help me to find my self and my passion again. Help me to trust you more completely. Help me to feel your control of my life. ease my spirit when it comes to money and help Chris and I to make smart decisions. My life is yours God. I pray you guide me in the ways your want me to go! Help me to surrender to your mercies and fill me with gratitude for all the blessings I have in my life. Help me to see through your eyes.